Turning my attention to the east...

I must turn my attention to the east tonight. My amazing friend Carissa, and her family, are in the process of adopting a darling little boy in Ukraine. Her paper process was very smooth and fast. I attribute the ease of her process, thus far anyway, to the fact that she kept the whole thing quiet.

That is so very difficult, to go through the anxious home study preparation and the nerve wracking, nit picking dossier assembly virtually alone. She did not get to share her joy, her updates, and her fears with the adoption community. It should have been a time of happiness and hope. You see, Carissa has been a well known and effective advocate for many children and families over the past four years. She even worked very hard to raise funds for other adopting families over the summer when she could have been raising funds for her own.

Now Carissa is in country facing some unexpected expenses. I am calling on the community of orphan and adoption advocates to rally around her family. They have only raised $1500 during their entire process and their new child has some medical needs that will require them to have room on their credit cards when they arrive home. We can do better for them.

My original goal was to help them raise $2000 in the next ten days, but I have a feeling that we can do much better than that!

In the words of Derek Loux, "My friends, adoption is redemption. It's costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him."

I can hardly read those words without tearing up. It's the gospel boiled down to the bone. With permission, and with the help of the talented Heather Schlitt, we have put these words on a shirt. This shirt will be yours with a donation of $30 or more to the Lanning family.

Please email me at nancefamily8@cox.net to order. Choose from Heather Indigo or Heather Cardinal in adult sizes S through 3XL. Shipping is included. Every single last penny over cost goes to the Lanning family! 

Thank you for sharing this on your own blogs, twitter and Facebook. Many hands make light work!!

Birthday fail and other stuff

I was really looking forward to the start of school this fall. I love my kids and I enjoy being around them all the time. I LIKE them a lot. I just needed a little more margin.

So it has caught me completely off guard at the level of chaos I have been experiencing. Annoyances and problems rising up on my left and my right, drama to spare...that has been the theme over the past month.

If we were adopting, I would chalk it up to spiritual warfare. Perhaps it's that anyway. I can't say for sure, but I cannot see past the busy-ness right now. I'm pushing a boulder up a hill and I can't stop or it will crush me. I gotta keep pushing until I get to the top of the hill.

The icing on my boulder was coming home from a doctor day trip to find my house with partial power. It was a broken air conditioner sucking power and blowing random breakers. Since the house was so warm, I didn't feel that it would be wise to bake my sweet Max a birthday cake. No one felt like having a party either.

So, the story of Max's life continues...wait a little longer. A little longer for your first real birthday party, Max. I promise it's going to be fun! You are SO loved here. 

Thank you for being YOU and learning to communicate with us. I'll make sure you always have plenty to EAT and DRINK. Thank you for trusting us so completely. You are a real jewel!

Three long years

I'm happy to be Max's mother. I love that little stinker. But you know what? I do not claim him as rightfully mine. For years I encouraged other families to consider adopting him. I would have been overjoyed to see him home with another family! God knew he would end up here, but it wasn't preordained. It wasn't His will. The fact that his birth mother rejected him was only the first in a series of preventable tragedies in his life.

Baby Max. Full of potential.

The funny face I fell in love with.

Three years, no growth. Tragic.

Shortly after I brought Max home, I received a message that made me physically ill. A family had seriously inquired about adopting Max back in 2010. They were blocked by the organization that had listed his photo and profile.

"We had been through 2 Ukrainian adoptions, so we were prepared. One stumbling block was the "strong request" to use her people. We have our own facilitator who we wanted to use. We could have pushed it, but she was not forthcoming about exactly where he was or how to find him without promise to use her people.

And I happen to KNOW how she got the info...and pictures...not [the organization's preferred facilitator]....."

Do you understand what had happened here? The photo listing organization was in possession of Max's identifying information, the information needed to petition the Ukrainian authorities for Max's adoption. This organization, which supposedly exists to provide visibility and grant money to encourage the adoption of orphaned children with special needs, withheld this crucial and not easily obtained information. 

This organization's preferred Ukrainian adoption facilitator did not supply this information to them. (The photos and information were provided by a missionary-I verified this for myself.) Yet, without a promise to do business with this specific person, the organization was not willing to provide Max's information to a family that was serious about pursuing him. (Publicly, this organization claims to be fine with families using any Ukrainian adoption facilitator of their choosing.) We are not talking about tire-kickers here. We are talking about an experienced adoptive family. 

(Side note, the family in question did end up adopting again, but from another country with easier travel requirements. Max continued to wait.)

Just yesterday another family contacted me. They requested that the very same photo listing/grant organization "match" their family with Max in 2010. The organization director told this second family that Max was too difficult and suggested some other children, which this family did, in fact, adopt.

I have no doubt that Max could have been home with another family three years ago. He could have had his eyes fixed in time to save some sight. He could have had his teeth cared for before he developed a infected cyst and lost the ability to eat properly. He could have started school three years ago and been spared years of harsh treatment and abuse. 

Max in February 2013

Apparently the photo listing/grant organization in question is fine with my son suffering for three long years, just so long as they didn't allow any of their preferred Ukrainian adoption facilitator's potential business to get away. Or was Max's suffering an unintended consequence? No one could have known, right? 

Wrong. 

Just look at the Reece's Rainbow shrine to a number of known orphan children who died waiting for a family: In Loving Memory. The situation in many countries is desperate and every orphan photo listing/adoption grant organization is well aware of the situation.

So, do orphan photo listing/adoption grant organizations exist to serve vulnerable children? Or do they exist to funnel business to their "friends?" Ukrainian "friends" who insist that families make payment in crispy new U.S. hundred dollar bills? Make no mistake, we are talking big money here.  

What gives an orphan photo listing/adoption grant organization any authorization to determine which family is well suited to any specific child? The right to approve a "match" or to turn families away from a child? This is the legal domain of licensed adoption agencies and social workers. This organization employs no social workers and is not licensed to operate as an adoption agency. 

I'm not bitter, or living in the past here. I'm not focusing on "what ifs." I am telling Max's story, which is now my story to tell. But it's story that's larger than me and Max. It is my public service to waive the red flag. 

Adoption minded people and orphan advocates need to be cautious in dealing with orphan photo listing and adoption grant organizations. Some of these organizations will inappropriately insert themselves into a family's adoption process. Some have no problem playing games with families and by extension, the very lives and futures of the children they claim to serve. It's sick.

Edited on September 6: I turned off comments on this post. I will not let commentators put words in my mouth or muddy the waters with passive aggressive garbage. I shared our story and I issued a warning to be cautious in your dealings with adoption organizations. Things are not always as sweet and altruistic as they seem.

Where we are

August is always a tough month for us and I really needed to take a break. I have disappointed myself in a lot of ways lately, but I have taken time to reflect on those things, set them down, and use them as a stepping stool moving forward. A mom of children with special needs really can't win. There is always more that you could have done, a therapy that you didn't try, a parents meeting that you couldn't squeeze in, special ed law books that you didn't yet finish, and on and on.

I'm learning how to deal with where we are.

Here is where we are:

Zhen is a mess. He NEEDS to be making noise constantly at school. He doesn't want to do his work. He does every little thing he knows to annoy anyone in his path. He is also being treated for a certain difficult type of infection. I'm wondering how much the medication is affecting him. I would LOVE to blame the medication, don't you know.

He has learned to say one word really well. "Bye."

Theo is a mess. His medication has helped him tremendously with impulse control, but he still can't resist water...no matter what is floating in it, if you KWIM. He finally started school last week and LOVES it! Theo and Max attend school in a completely different district, not by my choice. The two districts calendars do not line up well. They started two full weeks after my other kids.

He still has no words.

Ralph is making great progress. He started kindergarten a few weeks ago and after a few bumpy days, he seems to be settling in. After stuffing his hearing aids down the storm drain on the playground, I was a bit worried. Most of his school day is spent in an inclusive setting. He is pulled out for math instruction and writing. Can you believe that he can't hold a pencil? I was so busy teaching him letters and sounds that I forgot to teach him how to write? Now here we are. He reads sight words with me every night. That is my consolation.

Speech is so difficult for Ralph, but that doesn't keep him from trying. He is getting better every single day. We just have to remember to insist that he says things the correct way, even when we understand what he is trying to say.

Finally, Max. Max is a total sweetheart. He is sharp. He learns so fast and is SO easy to care for. He is wise in ways that you would not expect for such a tiny guy. He IS almost nine years old, after all. He is loving school, especially riding on the big bus. I hear that people are getting him mixed up with Theo. I don't think they look anything alike, so I don't get it.

Max on the left and Theo on the right. First day of school.

Recently I found that he is basically blind in his right eye. His eyes have been crossed too long, likely a problem that just got worse from staring at crib bars for years. The brain can't handle two different images at once, so it just ignores one eye...eventually shutting that one eye down altogether. Receiving this information was crushing to me. It's one of the reasons I have not been able to write.

You see, I was contacted by a family that wanted to adopt Max in 2010. Three years ago, at the age of six, his vision would not have been fully developed. The eye doctor told me that now there is almost no chance that we will be able to recover any sight in his right eye. At his age, his vision is fully developed. Three years ago, he almost certainly would have had the chance to see normally. Just think, what if something happened to his good eye now? He would be blind.

See? He is focused on me with his left eye, and the right eye turns in. He's not using it.

Three years ago, surely his teeth were not rotting out of his head...or at least perhaps he wasn't suffering the sort of pain that interfered with his ability to eat. He certainly couldn't have been much smaller than he is now.

Three years ago he was likely not covered in molluscum like he was when I met him. How did he get molluscum on his butt? Do I even want to know? Three fewer years of neglect. Three fewer years of abuse. How I wish I could have spared him those three extra years without a family.

One person could have spared him those three years...

Got 'Em!

Happy Got 'Em Day, Theo and Zhen! (Can't get to my photos of Zhen right now.) Three years ago today we walked out of the orphanage with you. What a day that was! I cried buckets for the sweet kids I would never see again. Zhen nearly choked to death on a banana. We had to rush to catch the train. All of a sudden, you boys were my responsibility and I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a bit frightened. 

I love you both and feel very blessed to be your mother. It's a privilege to watch you grow and learn.  

Urgent request!

I have most of my kids back in school now and lots of things to share. Really important things. But today, I want to take the time to tell you about my friend Carissa. It's urgent!

Carissa reached out to me more than three years ago. We were both in some of the same online orphan care groups and lived in the same city. I was cautious at first. You never know what sort of creep you might have become friends with over the internet, right?

Well, Carissa did not turn out to be a creep at all! In fact, she was a huge help to my husband in 2010 while I was in Ukraine adopting Theo and Zhen. Her girls became friends with my kids. They came to the Buddy Walks with us until they moved to Texas last year.

Dear Carissa took photos at the airport when I arrived home with Zhen and Theo.  Though we were friends before, I let her into my heart that day. I had shared photos of both the boys on our adoption blog and on Facebook. However, online photos could not adequately convey Theo's poor physical condition. I had been with him daily for 5 weeks at that time, so I was desensitized to his skeletal appearance. But tenderhearted Carissa was completely overcome with emotion upon meeting my new 13 pound 4 year old son. I remember her sweet young daughters sobbing, too.

I knew that Carissa's family would one day adopt. She has a great deal of love and compassion for children with special needs. I'm so happy to say that day has come! They leave next week to meet their new child!

Unfortunately, due to some crazy adoption world people, Carissa has not been able to share much about this adoption. She has not had the opportunity to do fundraisers, opting instead to help other families in need. It shows a lot of character to assist others when you are in need yourself. I'm so proud to know her.

Carissa's family needs around $8,000 more to complete this adoption. They leave next week, almost three years to the day after we arrived home with Theo and Zhen. You can learn more about the Lanning family at the Grace Haven website HERE. You can also make a gift to their adoption fund there. This sweet family is also at the very top of the Urgent Needs at Project Hopeful.

It just breaks my heart that Carissa has not been able to share her joy and anticipation. I know how intimidating and impossible it can be to come up with the necessary funds. There is a child that is counting on us to help. Any amount is helpful at this point. Thank you for giving, praying and sharing this with others. I would like to send Carissa off to Ukraine knowing that she has our support and prayers all the way home.

Max has started weekly physical therapy. He is a high anxiety kid...one look at a swing is enough to send him into a panic. Imagine my surprise when he emerged from the PT room riding a trike! First, how on earth did they get him on it? And second, oh my wow! He is actually pedaling! The boy has some surprising skills.

We had quite a cool and comfortable July. Unfortunately, the week that we loaned our van was the week of the nicest weather, so we didn't get to go anywhere. But, as soon as the van came home we hit the zoo. Ruby got up close and personal with the tiger.

I still can't believe our momma kitty only had one kitten. He likes to curl up and snooze in tiny baskets, and boxes. Ralph loves him...a little too much. He has scratches all over his legs and hands to prove it.

Poor Jordan. He was going to get his long cast off and a new short cast put on the other day. But it seems that his bones are not healing as fast as we would have expected or hoped. He gets to keep the long cast for another three weeks. So disappointing. At least he broke it on the last day of camp back in June, so he got to do one fun thing this summer.

School started today for Rose and Jordan. It was an easy day of looking though materials. Tomorrow they start real assignments. I have low expectations while everyone else is still home for the summer, but we are going to at least try to get a head start on the year.