Tuesday, April 21, 2009

One month in.

Wow...it is quiet here for a moment. Feels odd.

Wesley is at work. Chipper is at a track meet. Richard, Jordan, Leroy and daddy went to watch the track meet. Thomas is at grandma's house. Rose is at the neighbor's house. Ralph and Ruby are sleeping! Quiet. Peaceful. Ahhhh.

I feel like the past month has been my "lost month." I have not been able to focus on anything but keeping Ruby fed. We had a rough start and it snowballed. I'm sure that the frantic crying from her colic contributed to her trouble gaining weight, also. There were times that I cried while changing her diaper because her little legs were so skinny. There were words offered in kindness that I took all wrong.

I guess it goes to show that even experienced mothers sometimes struggle at first. Maybe more so. It is much more difficult to ask for help when you have eight other babies under your belt. Maybe it is just harder to realize that you need help with eight other babies under your belt!

We are getting better. Ruby is growing, filling out a bit. No more baggy skin on her arms and legs. She still has crying spells, but they are happening less often. I'm getting a little more sleep. Hurting a little less.

I'm glad that our clouds are lifting because I'm ready to get to know Ruby. I'm ready to fall in love with her. In my experience, bonding with a baby after a c-section is different and more difficult. I was numb when she was born and in a way I still am. Dealing with a screaming, colicky baby doesn't help.

I didn't feel her leaving my body. I know she did. But, it feels unreal. I must reconcile my heart with my mind. Feelings follow action, heart follows mind. I'm good.

OK, now the dog wants to go out. Peace and quiet are over. I'll put up some pictures tonight.


Leslie said...

I'm sorry things have been so hard and glad to hear that things are getting better.

Love the new pics you posted. Sending you hugs!

Anonymous said...

The photos are wonderful! Thank you!

In my past, when I have expressed some my time was 'lost', I was lovingly corrected and reminded that whatever I was doing then must have been necessary in the bigger (Divine) plan.

I can't help but pass that message onto you, Friend.

You've been under a lot of duress - I suggest the perspective of survival mode. Mothers of fewer than 8 might guess your whole life is in survival mode! (Attempt at humor; hopefully not too lame.)

You are in my prayers for continued healing from Ruby's surgical birth.